Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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