k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
