there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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