wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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