Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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