i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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