i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize