if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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