I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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