After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
