I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
