Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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