There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you had me at cake vodka
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
is it fun? or sober?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
