what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
