She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
How naked do you want me to be?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
