Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
