I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
