I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
