i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
