The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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