she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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