Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
