I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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