have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
