I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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