Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
