Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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