Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
