census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
