every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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