there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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