a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
pray to the hookup gods
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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