I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
