Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just puked most of my soul out..
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
