It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
