Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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