That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
