yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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