Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
