K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
