either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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