I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
