last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize