There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
