It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
