He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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