she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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