I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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