"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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