I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
