I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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