The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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