my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
tonight lets celebrate not being married
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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