You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
