I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
