Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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