I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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